Happy New Year!

I know, what a cliched, boring title but whatever - Happy New Year! It is safe to say that I am VERY happy 2010 is over, it truly was a terrible year. I am looking forward to what 2011 will bring. At the moment everything feels a bit murky but I'm hoping some good news will come my way soon.

From the last few 'guest blogs', I presume you have all seen what a rubbish time I've had over the past few weeks. I really don't think I can put into words how dreadful it has been. There were so many times I said (over and over again, sorry mum), 'I can't hack this'. I have now been in this room for over three weeks and I can't quite believe that. I have found myself getting increasingly more and more frustrated with everything (mainly things I can't control) and I think this is because I am now able to actually DO THINGS! When I think back to how I felt two weeks ago, I can hardly believe the difference. When Jamie came to visit, I was probably at my worst and we kept on saying to each other, 'Well things can't get any worse can they?'. Turns out whenever that phrase was uttered, something else would happen just to kick me back. I'm unsure what the worst thing was - the sickness, pain (muscles, back, hickman line, head, stomach, mouth ulcers, throat etc), tiredness, numbness, tinitus.. To name a few! I still have a few of these but so much milder. As things were so all over the place, my medication was being changed quite regularly. There were quite a few days when I couldn't move and was unable to barely open my eyes. I found this very difficult. Everybody was talking around me and about me, yet I couldn't contribute to the conversation. I don't think it clicked to anyone that even though my eyes were closed, I was actually awake! Most of those days I couldn't even cope with the radio so they were very long, silent days which passed very slowly. When I think about those days now, they feel like such a blur but at the time it felt like they would never end. Time is such a strange thing isn't it? Anyway, I could write for days about this so I should probably stop. In short, it was not nice.

Christmas was a very strange day. Mum, Dad, Rona, Teenie, James and I opened all our presents (well the ones we took with us) and we all received some lovely gifts. It just felt very odd. I know everyone was trying to keep it as normal as possible but I was just so grumpy all day and couldn't shake it off. I just felt terribly guilty that everyone had to spend Christmas in a hospital with me in such a bad mood. It took a couple of days after Christmas for me to pick up which I think happened when I had 0.1 neutrophils on 29th December. One of the doctors told me that neutrophils are like 'magic beans'. I didn't believe her but as mine have been steadily rising I have gradually started to feel better and better. I can hardly believe it! Yesterday my neutrophils were 0.8 which is great! I was amazed at how quickly my mouth improved, that I was able to eat and drink (marvellous) and that my stomach wasn't so sore.

Ruth and Ally came down for New Year (which was so kind of them, and great to see them obvs). It was again a very quiet and odd affair. Dad made a mammoth quiz with categories including cricket, medicine, mountains, football, dance, TV soaps, tax, politics etc... The teams were James, Teenie and myself (I was not hopeful) against Mum, Ruth, Ally and Rona. As none of us were exactly 'well-versed' in many of the topics there was a lot of guesswork involved. Just so you all know, my team won - YAS! It was strange having no Jackie Bird on the TV for the bells, the TV was rubbish down here! We then had a wee glass of Shloer, I had a cry, then a little game of chrades. Since then I have been gradually improving so it's been good having Ruth and Ally here (give the rest some time off too!). They left a wee while ago so the room is oddly quiet...

On one of the nights I was feeling very sorry for myself, one of the nurses came in to do my blood pressure and things and started blethering. She mentioned how lucky I am to have such a loyal and kind family around me and that from looking at us she can tell how important we all are to each other. Her family live in the Philippines and she said to me she was sad when she saw us together on Christmas Day as she was unable to see her sisters. At first I was like, 'ehhh you were jealous of MY Christmas Day?! What?!', but then when I thought about it I realised that even though these past few weeks have been the most dreadful they could ever be, I am so privileged and lucky to have people around me who love me so much to spend this much time with me. I have not been good company these past few weeks and I really hope they all know how much I appreciate it. I am unsure what I have done to have such amazing family and friends but I am truly thankful to them. If only I was more eloquent I would be able to write it down exactly!

Anyway, I will leave it here for now. I really hope everyone has had a lovely festive season. Sorry for the lack of response and thank you so much for all your cards and gifts. I have received some lovely cards from lots of different people and you have all been so very kind. It has also been nice to hear from those I've not spoken to in a long time! I am unsure when I will be out/home but will keep you all posted.